Thursday, June 12, 2008

Disco Donna and Her Friend Fat Cathy

The year was 1979 and I worked at Delmar Photo(a photo developing lab) as a delivery driver. As far as jobs go, it wasn't a bad gig; my route covered the Delaware/Pennsylvania area and all in all I had my share of interesting experiences during the six years I was employed there.

One day, two girls fresh out of high school (Donna and Cathy) were hired to work in the lab.Although at first they didn't know each other, both girls quickly struck up a friendship though I couldn't figure out why because they were completely opposite: Cathy was obese and unattractive while Donna was a total stunner. When together they appeared to be a female version of the Odd Couple.

Cathy claimed she ran track in high school,but I seriously doubted it. With her ample girth,I imagined Cathy majoring in home economics instead where she more than likely scarfed down every one of her culinary creations.But in her mind,she was a real looker any man would desire. Oh well, let her have her illusions, because between her extreme corpulence and a disposition that was miserably caustic,I didn't consider her much of a catch. Except of course if you find fat,nasty women irresistible,then Cathy would definitely be the girl for you.

Donna, a cute confection, was acutely aware of her external beauty and carried her herself as if she were the most beautiful woman in the room. Upon our first meeting, she let me know in short order that she would never go out with me because I wasn't her type. And I had yet to ask her out. Talk about an inflated ego! To be honest, I found her to be unbearably vain without a brain in her head. Sure, Donna knew about monumentally important topics like fashion and make up.However,subjects such as politics or current events went right over her well coiffed but empty head;so I had no real attraction to this preening Barbie Doll who had looks but no substance.The nickname Disco Donna was bestowed upon her because of her passionate love of disco music,which enjoyed a burst of popularity during the late seventies/early eighties. She was the type of person who would mindlessly bebop her way throught life.

As to the reason for this mismatched pairs close friendship, it was a matter of simple deduction:Donna didn't consider Cathy to be any sort of competition when it came to the opposite sex. Whenever they hung out together,the guys who were attracted to Donna wouldn't have given Cathy's fat ass a second glance. While the guys who gravitated toward Cathy were realistic enough to know that a babe like Donna was totally out of their league and wouldn't have given them the time of day.

Now,except to exchange pleasantries with the both of them when at work, I never had much to do with Donna and Cathy; which brings me to a rather unpleasant incident that occurred. One day, I began getting irate phone calls at home and work from Donna's boyfriend accusing me of having an affair with her behind his back. Threats were uttered and I began to worry. One of my co-workers,an illiterate hillbilly named Rocky, taunted me about what Donna's boyfriend would do to me when he got a hold of me.

This went on for a couple of weeks and at one point I said to Donna," Why is your boyfriend threatening me? You won't even go out with me!" Eventually Cathy and Rocky admitted they had played a prank on me,laughing all the while. Cathy was laughing so hard tears of mean spirited merriment poured down her jowly, pig like face. I didn't find their cruel joke the least bit funny and from that day on I despised the both of them. I mean, what the hell did I ever do to them to deserve the despicable prank that was played on me? Years later when I read Rocky's obituary in the newspaper I thought to myself " So f***ing what." I hated that little hillbilly prick anyway. To me, his death meant there was one less piece of white trash walking the earth.

As far as Cathy concerned,I eventually had my own private laugh at her expense. After not having much success with men,she finally found someone who would put up with her,I mean, love her. His name was Mike and was introduced to her by a mutual friend and co-worker Cliff. He was a cartoonish looking fellow;picture Ichabod Crane with a huge adams apple and a galumphing walk. One day, Cliff informed me that Mike hadn't seen Cathy for two days because he was avoiding her. It seems he wanted to break up with her but didn't have the intestinal fortitude to say anything because Mike was afraid she'd beat the shit out of him. Cliff swore me to secrecy, so being a man of my word I refrained from throwing this juicy little morsel in her fat face. Something I would have enjoyed immensely.

In the end, he continued dating her(I wonder what feeble excuse he gave her explaining his two day absence) and they eventually married. It's more than likely Mike came to the conclusion that Cathy was the best he would ever do, so better to have her than nobody at all. Or perhaps he still harbored fears Cathy might go ballistic and beat him up, so he did whatever was necessary to avoid incurring her wrath. Ah! What some people do for love. Or to keep from visiting the Emergency Room for that matter.

And although I never saw them after leaving Delmar Photo,(if I never set eyes on that miserable cow ever again there will be no void in my life,that's for sure) I did run into Donna The Magnificent. I was married at the time and my wife managed the GNC vitamin store in the Christiana Mall. By co-incidence,Donna happened to be working as a clerk at a music store called Wall To Wall Sound. You always knew when Donna was on duty from the thump da da thump of the disco beat(now called Dance Music) which emanated from the stores sound system. Donna presumably was getting herself pumped up before hitting some dance club after work to boogie oogie oogie into the wee hours of the morning.

One night as I waited in front of the GNC store for my wife to get off of work, Donna happened to standing a few feet away from me and was talking to a friend about her recent wedding. She prattled on about the gown she wore,what kind of shoes she had on, how hot she looked ect,ect,ect. Not once, however, did Donna ever mention anything about the groom.It was all about her(naturally). You would have thought she had married herself;a Dennis Rodman of the eighties if you will. And although I know differently,well, anything's possible.

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