Thursday, February 12, 2009

What She Says Vs. What She Means: Breaking The Code.

There's an interesting phenomenon when dealing with women, there is a code they employ where something that is said ain't exactly what it means. I've come to believe that women really believe in their heart of hearts that we men are stupid beyond human comprehension and will swallow whatever bullshit they dole out. In the interest of helping all of you guys out there, here are some helpful morsels of info you need to know to guide you through the male/female relationship jungle.

1. When she says,"It's not you,it's me."

Bullshit. Hey guys,take it from me;it is you. I discovered this little pertinent fact in a 1994 issue of Playboy magazine. In 1995, when I dated a women named Helene,(or Crazy Helene as she was christened by the people where we both worked) she dumped me saying I wasn't good enough for her(for a fuller account of the entire mess, check out my earlier post entitled "My Misadventures In Romance." At one point while she was kicking me to the curb, Helene said," It's not you, it's me." I was both pissed and yet somewhat fascinated. For her to entertain the idea for even a nano second that I'd buy her feeble assed comment showed me just how pathetically stupid she thought I was. It also pointed out to me how incredibly crafty and intelligent Helene thought herself to be. Sorry Crazy Helene, you're not that smart. Not by a long shot.

" I'll call you."

So you're talking to this woman whom you're attracted to and you ask for her phone number. She says," Give me yours and I'll give you a call." Dude, that's a no brainer. She's not gonna call you! You've been shined on. You'd have a better chance winning money from a scratch off lottery ticket. And if you really, really think you'll hear from her, boy, expect to wait for a very looooong time. At least until eternity ends, to be exact.

Let me think about it."

Ya know, once upon a time when I was more positive type of fellow, I really thought in my heart of hearts that when a women said those very words she actually gave the matter some thought.Yeah. Right. Recently I heard that particularly phrase recited to me not once, but three times within a years time frame, so I'm now hip to the facts: the broad wants nothing to do with me when she says that. End of sentence.

It first began with woman I know at work named Dawn. She's decent looking, but to be blunt, I wouldn't be kept nights fantasizing about her, if you get my drift. However, Dawn considers herself to be her families gift to us poor,miserable, undeserving men.


Anyway, I asked her out on my birthday because I thought it would be nice to have a date while celebrating my natal day. She said," Let me think about it." Well, I didn't see her again for about a week after my birthday had passed and incident was never mentioned again.

The next time I heard those five discouraging words was when I asked someone named Sherri out a few months later. Naturally the two of us never dated, so that was that. Now, you would think I would get the message at this juncture. Oh no! Not me, Mr. Optimistic. I'm still looking for the pony in the horseshit. The only problem is that I'm up to my ass in horse dung with no pony in sight.

The third time this crap occurred was when I asked a co-worker named Connie out on a date. Again, I got that same old, shopworn expression. This time,though, I had a different reaction; I thought that maybe she was just playing hard to get and I decided to pursue her. Big, big mistake. Connie eventually told me point blank that she wasn't interested in me. It's a good thing I didn't waste too much of my precious time on the likes of her. So now the jury is in folks; "Let me think about it"actually means: "I don't want to go out with you. No way. No how."

Now that I'm armed with this knowledge, the next time I hear those words of discouragement I'll simply tuck my tail between my legs and crawl away like the dog that I am. I enjoy a challenge, but I also know what a brick wall is and I'm not going to beat my head against it.

You know, when I told someone I was going to write an article about the code females use(as opposed to simply telling us men the truth), their reaction was," Don't do that. People will think you're being angry and bitter." Hmmmm.....Let me think about that.

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The 2009 Anti-Valentine's Day Hatenanny!

Welcome to my Anti-Valentine's Day Celebration where hostility and anger reign supreme. On this saccharine day of the year those of us who are lacking a significant other are forced to endure "cute couples" as they walk hand in hand,gazing at one another all google eyed with stupid,sappy expressions on their miserable love struck faces. I wanna grab a shovel and smack the both of 'em upside their slap happy heads.

People who have yet to find their "soul mate", "love of their life", "special person" (feel free to add your own sickeningly syrupy sweet phrase.That is, if you have someone in your life and then proceed to cram it up your ass with an air compressor) find Valentine's Day interminable at best and sadly depressing at worst. I intend to exorcise my demons of loneliness by railing and decrying against a day that if I had a special someone I would be celebrating with instead of ranting and raving. So in place of a Valentine's Day Hootenanny, welcome to my 2009 Anti-Valentine's Day Hatenanny. Let the hostilities begin 'cause this is season when hate turns me on! And if I'm in the same, unhappy situation next year, be prepared for another barrelful of belicose bitching from me. Crapppy Valentine's Day!

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