Friday, April 10, 2009

Why Internet Dating Sucks.

MICHELLE EVANS 78, My Nigerian Sweetheart. Yeah. Right.

I'll confess, in my quest for a soul mate I've had more than my share of misadventures. The way things have been going for me, I feel as if I'm some sort of "loser magnet". And with each passing year that feeling is becoming stronger and stronger. I've dated or have been involved with alcoholics, insane woman,women saddled with more baggage than a luggage store, or who have more issues than a magazine stand and at least one welfare cheat. Am I a "loser magnet" or what?

In 2002 after I finally got onto the web, I discovered a number of Internet chat sites and dating services. I was under the somewhat naive belief I would be meeting all kinds of available women because,after all, the world wide web covered a lot of uncharted territory; somewhere out there women of my dreams was waiting for me.Hoo boy, was I in for a jumbo sized surprise. And not the pleasant kind of surprise, either.

My first Internet sweetheart(if you can call her that) was a woman named Sue(chat room non de plume: Busy Mom67) whom I met while surfing AOL's chatrooms. After a brief cyber encounter, I called her on the phone and our conversation began at twelve noon and lasted until between eight or ten that night;if memory serves me right. We both agreed there was a connection and after a week of long, heartfelt talks we decided to meet at a mall near Philadelphia since she lived in Hellertown, Pa and I lived in Newark, Delaware.

Upon our first encounter, I presented Sue with a bouquet of roses as a token of my affection. As we conversed over lunch at an local restaurant Sue suddenly got a call on her cell phone. Sue told me that she had to go home immediately but never said what the reason was. Being the sensitive soul that I am, I said I understood and we promised we'd meet again.

Well(you knew there was a "well" coming up didn't you?), she made and then proceeded to cancel each and every meeting we were supposed to have over the next few months. Now, I'm a patient guy, but after half a year of this asinine horseshit I finally asked if Sue was interested in me or not. Sue said that we lived too far away from each other(two hours to be exact) and that she wasn't sure how she felt about me. When I reminded Sue about her claims of having feelings for me, she replied," They're just words."

Let me tell you, I felt like I'd just been kicked in the teeth. Sue had been stringing me along me for the entire time, so I immediately stopped all communications with her. It's a shit shame the way some people play with your heart and then cut you loose after they've had their fun. Oh well, at least she never asked me for any money.

Which brings me to someone I made the acquaintance of on Yahoo who goes by the moniker of Michelle Even78. This was a few months ago, but the relevance will soon be made clear to you.I began an IM correspondence around November of last year with this person who from the get go acted as if she were my girlfriend and that we were destined to be together.

Now here's where things get kinda sticky. First off, Michelle claimed to be an American living in Nigeria where she made a living as an interior decorator. She also told me she was from Baltimore, but was currently working on a decorating project and would be returning to America when the assignment was over.

There was something about her that didn't quite gel as far as I'm concerned. From the get go I smelled the proverbial rat, so I mentioned how much I liked Baltimore's Inner Harbor. She stopped IMing me for the evening. Still, I kept corresponding with her just to see how far Michelle was willing to go with her deception.

Although Michelle sent me her picture I don't think, in fact I'm damn sure, that she's not the woman in the picture. You see, when I downloaded her picture into the "my pictures" page, there in the corner of her photo was a caption that read: Computer Models. So Michelle is probably grossly overweight and homelier than a beat up shoe or she just might be a guy. The mind boggles as the stomach turns.

During one of our IM conversations, Michelle mentioned that her birthday was coming up and she needed $400.00 for a dress. She wanted me to send her the money, even though we barely knew each other. Thus began a weekly ritual of Michelle asking me for various amounts of money. During the Christmas holidays she asked me to send her $750.00 for plane fare in order for her to come and visit me.

Now, maybe it's just me, but don't interior decorators make a lot of money? Here she is constantly crying poor mouth which leads me to believe that Michelle is either a world class liar or is the most incompetent interior decorator in the world whom no one would hire even as a joke(personally, I suspect the former). As far as her wanting me to finance her visit, I'll bet you dollars to doughnuts if I had sent Michelle the money, once the cash reached her grubby little paws she would have disappeared like a thief in the night. And I would have been $750.00 poorer.

In hopes of squelching Michelle's constant wheedling me to send her cash , I pretended to be flat busted broke. Of course I'm not, but I hoped this would encourage her to stop asking me.You know, you can't get blood from a stone. But she kept trying. Oh boy, did she keep trying.

Then the final shoe dropped: one day Michelle wanted to know what bank I used and even had the unmitigated audacity to ask me for my account number. I told her it was none of her business and that's when Michelle wrote to me" Why won't you give me your account number?" We've been together for six months." Wait one freakin' minute! Our only communication was IM messages with each other and she thinks we're in a relationship? Yeah. Sure we are.

I immediately logged off of Yahoo and removed their chat site from my computer. And with that, I once again put another notch in my loser belt. People like her I can well do without. Maybe I should just get a dog instead.

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