Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Did I Ever Tell You About The Time I Ran For Mayor?

Near the Delaware state line in Pennsylvania there is a small town called Aston. One year, this town advertised in the paper for a mayor. (I know, I know; mayors are usually elected. But, this is my story.) Anyhoo, I went to the town hall to apply even though I had no previous experience in politics. They asked me about my salary requirements and I replied that thirty thousand a year was sufficient financial remuneration for such a complex position.

Well, I didn't hear from them for about a week, so I called up to find out if I was still in the running for the job of mayor. I was informed that someone else was chosen. When I asked why I was passed over, they said the main thing that ruined my chance for the position was my demand for thirty thousand dollars a year. They felt I was Aston for too much money.

Please tell me you saw that one coming.

My Craw And Why I Stick Things In It.

I just wanted to expound on a statement I made in my last post about something sticking in my craw. Do you realize there are some unfortunate people in this world who don't have a craw in which to stick things in? Since I do have one, I consider myself pretty lucky.
Just thought I'd throw that one in there.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does.

Back in the wild and crazy seventies, I auditioned for a band,the name of which has long since faded from my memory. Unfortunately, I didn't make it past the audition.They said I wasn't quite what they were looking for(whatever the hell that means). However, I immediately became fast friends with the lead singer, Larry. Now, this isn't Larry, my close friend of over thirty six years whom I've written about before in my blog. So as to avoid confusion I'll refer to the other Larry as Larry B.

Anyhoo, Larry B eventually left this band,who made such an indelible impression on me that I can't recall the bands name or the names of the other musicians for that matter, to join a group of more talented musicians called ACCIDENT. So when I wasn't trying to join or put together my own band, I would hang out at their rehearsals and accompany ACCIDENT to their gigs.It got to the point where I was hanging around them so frequently,the lead guitar player, Bob, on occasion would jokingly refer to me as "our bands official mascot". I knew he used the term in a rather affectionate way, but it still kind of stuck in my craw to be called a mascot. As did his habit of rubbing my head when he said it. I almost expected Bob to stick a dogie biscuit in my mouth. Oh well, at least I would have had something to chew on.

One night I accompanied Larry B and his girlfriend Valerie to a night club in New Jersey called Dr. Jekyll's where his band was the main attraction. That evening, the opening band was FALSE TEETH and they were pretty good,except for the lead guitar player. Now, it wasn't that his musical skills weren't up to par, but it was his facial expressions that were disconcerting.And while a lot of rock guitarists usually tend to make faces while blasting off a particularly searing lead, this guy was overkill. He looked as if he were in the middle of having a seizure on stage. I didn't know whether to cheer him on or call a paramedic.

After FALSE TEETH finished their set, Accident came on and proceeded to rock the house.It was no wonder Dr. Jekyll's kept asking them back time and time again, because this band always delivered the goods. And I'm not just saying that because Larry B was a good friend of mine.

On the way back home, Valerie told Larry B and myself that while she was in the ladies room she noticed etched on the door of one of the stalls a declaration of devotion to the band FALSE TEETH that read: I Love Fake Teeth. The three of us enjoyed a hearty chuckle over this poor girls inability to spell the word false.

But it made me wonder because false is not a complicated,multi syllable word; this girl is either poorly educated(which would be a damning indictment of the educational system where she lives) or she has a smoked picnic ham for a brain and is really, really stupid. Personally, I lean more toward the second choice.