The Animal Crackers Box Gets A Makeover Courtesy Of PETA.

When I attended Catholic Parochial School as a wee lad, our class would  perform our annual Christmas Show for Monsignor Sweeny. While us kids sang and danced our little hearts out, the good Monsignor,being a rather elderly man, would promptly fall asleep. Instead of being offended, I and my my fellow classmates felt that because he was so old, the poor fellow really needed a nap. I mean, it wasn't like he was an important Broadway producer bored into a state of narcolepsy by dreadful, amateur performers. Now that would have been ego crushing. Especially to a group of  impressionable eleven year old kids.

Afterwards, when he awoke, Monsignor Sweeny always gave each of us a box of Animal Crackers. I would take my bountiful box of animal shaped treats home with me after school to enjoy along with a cold glass of milk. The artwork on the box conjured memories of going to the circus and seeing the various animals presented to the public. The sights of exotic animals, the smell of hay. Ah, childhood memories!

But now, PETA, those self appointed,self anointed Guardians of The Animal Kingdom , have seen fit to tear away at my childhood memories. They complained ,en mass, to Nabisco that they were offended by the art cover on the box of animals in cages and demanded,( that's right, demanded) the cookie company change the picture on the box to animals roaming free in the wild.

Say what? You mean to tell me that with all of the problems going on in the world at the moment, PETA, that band of intolerant animal huggers, people who surely must have other more important things to do with their time, got themselves all amped up by a drawing depicting animals in cages to the point where they beefed, bitched and vehemently protested that Nabisco change the offending art cover? The worst part is that Nabisco caved in and acquiesced to this band of Bozo's over the top, ridiculous demands.

I've never been a fan of PETA. It's bad enough the rest of us have to listen to these self-righteous whack jobs tell us not to eat animals and not to wear fur made from animals. It's equally aggravating when I read where several of their members protested a group of fishermen by throwing rocks in the water to scare away the fish.  You see, I don't like to be told what to do. By anyone! PETA's in-your-face, bullying tactics have no affect on me or my life. They should live their lives as they please and leave the rest of us the hell alone.

You wanna be a Vegan, knock yourself out. You wanna wear clothes made out of polyester and other man made materials, that's okay by me. You wanna feel some sort of self-validation by making the world safe for the animals, then party hearty.  Me? I'll continue eating steak, fish and chicken. I'll proudly wear my leather coat and my fur fedora hat. And if that smug bullying group of animal huggers has a problem with that, they can fold it three ways and stick it where the sun don't shine.

I used to have a Facebook friend named Bobbi Jo  who is a staunch animal rights activist. She is a proud, card carrying Vegan and belongs to several animal rights groups. I made  joke one time about having meat for dinner. Mind you, it was a joke. Instead of letting me know that I had offended her, Bobbi Jo abruptly unfriended me. If she had, like a real friend, said my remark had offended her, I would have immediately apologized. This is called " Having a dialog". I consider her to be cowardly and I don't like or respect cowards.

To be honest, I was under the impression the this woman loved animals a hell of a lot more than she did people. Once on her time line, Bobbi Jo stated that anybody who made what she considered an anti-animal remark would be immediately unfriended. To paraphrase her remark," Animals are our future." Um, okay Bobbi Jo. So much for tolerance.

During the time  when we were getting along like two peas in a pod, Bobbi Jo  once confided in me that she and her husband were separated and possibly headed for divorce court. Why she chose to divulge such personal information to me was a mystery. In any event, with an attitude like hers, no wonder her marriage was in the shitter. No spouse,or human being for that matter, wants to take a back seat. Especially to a member of the animal kingdom.

Attention Corey Feldman: Your Fifteen Minutes Are Up.

It's truly sad to see a former teen idol desperately clutching at the fame he once reveled in as it slips through his grasp. Such is the case of Corey Feldman. In the 1980's he and friend, and fellow actor, Corey Haim were the proverbial "it couple" as they co-starred in a succession of highly profitable movies aimed at the teenage audience. Unfortunately for both Corey's, along with the intoxication of fame and adulation came the tragedy of drug addition, growing into adulthood and going from staring in high profile theatrical releases to individually slogging away in direct to video fodder. While Feldman eventually conquered his demons, Haim was never quite able to reassemble the pieces of his life and died of pneumonia in 2010, financially destitute.

And while Feldman at one point was, in his words "a working actor", he had musical aspirations. In his younger years, he hung around Michael Jackson, eventually attempting to emulate the late " King of Pop" by dressing like him and adopting Jackson's performing style. He comes across as a tenth rate imitator; the kind you would see at your local bar's " Open Mike Night".

 Feldman as of late, with no acting roles on the horizon, has been touring with a band of female musicians under the name Cory's Angels. Feldman has released five albums since 1992. His latest musical endeavor, Angelic 2 The Core was financed by donations from his fans. He was aiming to amass the sum of $105,000 to record the album with, but had to make do with a measly $14,982.00. Poor baby. The track " Go 4 It" debuted on The Today Show and was promptly put on YouTube to be jeered and reviled by those who were fortunate, or rather, unfortunate to see it. Reportedly, the album took two years to record. After hearing several of the albums tracks, available on You Tube, I can honestly say it's two years of wasted time and money; the songs are dreadful, the production overblown and bombastic.

And get a gander of Feldman's live performances on the Internet. Watch the video where he almost trips over cables while performing at a stadium to an audience of fifteen people and try not to laugh. Then there's the ridiculous video of  Cory The Hunk taking off his shirt and strutting around the stage to the supposed oohs and aahs of his female admirers. And last but certainly not least, is the video where one of his "Angels" warbles an off key version of Stand By Me(Feldman co-starred in the film) while he clumsily plays the drums as a clip from the film is shown on a screen. The video mercifully ends just as Feldman begins drumming and singing a piss poor rendition of The Beatles " Why Don't We Do It In The Road." The performance was both sloppy and extremely self-indulgent.

In recent years, Feldman, in yet another desperate plea for attention, had been spouting off at the mouth about a supposed pedophile ring in Hollywood that molested him when he was a preteen. He alleges that at a place called Alphy's Soda Pop Club, where young actors and actresses could get together drink soda pop, dance and schmooze. Feldman's alleges that there were sinister men dressed in dark suits hanging around who lured young boys and girls in private rooms to have sex with them. Scott Schwartz, a child actor who acted in  films such as "A Christmas Story" and "The Toy" knew Feldman during this time and recalls no such incidents happening at the Soda Pop Club. Feldman has gone on record referring to Schwartz as " A small man. A short man." in retaliation for Schwartz's refusal to drink the Cory Kool Aid.

This alleged pedophile ring, according to Feldman is comprised of  men in the upper echelon of Hollywood executives and has continued to exist to this very day. So Feldman, who has gone on record to proclaim that he is doing God's work, first wrote an autobiography titled  "Coreyography" and then got the bright idea to turn it into a feature film. Feldman went on You Tube and began to ask people to invest money for his film. He initially wanted to raise ten million dollars because in his words this film was to  be an important endeavor, check out the video for yourself. Feldman was going to hire only the best people for his pet project. Plus he intended to distribute the film himself.

 Unfortunately, he was only able to amass from 5,899 investors the munificent sum of  $273,151.00. That's not a whole lot of money to make a theatrical film with. At that price, he surely won't be able to hire the industry's best people for his vanity fest. If the film is ever made, and at this point I highly doubt it, Feldman will have to settle for second or even third rate talent instead. The one nagging question that remains is: why not just report this pedophile ring to the police, as Feldman says he has. What would making a movie based on his autobiography accomplish?  Simply put, he would be in front of the public once again basking in the limelight and once again relevant to the public at large while patting himself on the back for doing God's work.

Feldman announced that the film would be finished by June of this year. Well, boys and girls, here we are in mid August and there's been no mention of his film. No more self serving You Tube videos. No nothing. Instead he's been in hiding ever since his claims of being attacked with a knife by someone hired by the all powerful  Hollywood pedophile ring in an attempt silence his allegations against them. According to him, even his Angels have quit the band in fear of their lives. Um, no. The tour bus driver as well as one of the Angels have made statements stating that they quit due to not being paid and terrible working conditions. If truth be told, these industry power players, if they exist, probably don't stay up late at night worrying about Feldman's devastating expose' and the ruinous affect it'll have on their careers in Hollywood. There are no clandestine cabals in darkened chambers where these men confer to decide on what to do concerning that trouble maker Corey Feldman, either.

 No, the blunt fact is: nobody cares about Corey Feldman. He's a former child star whose career has run it's course and now has to face the reality that he's a middle aged man who is no longer relevant to the public at large, no matter how loudly he cries wolf. People just aren't listening. He's no longer a "who's who", but a "who cares?" Time to pack it in, Corey Feldman. Your fifteen minutes of fame are officially over.  But cheer up, Corey.  Perhaps one day you'll attain immortality by being the answer to a Trivial Pursuit question.

Hallows Point 10th Year Anniversary : A Film That Remains In Limbo.

In 2007, armed with a dream, as well as a fistful of money, intrepid film maker Jeffrey Lynn Ward stepped up to the plate once more to take another swing at cinematic immortality. Never mind that his previous film, Black Reign, filmed in 1993 and released in 2007 still sits on the shelf never to see the light of day. However, Ward's never-say-die attitude persuaded him to finagle a few investors to cough up the cash to make his next contribution to the horror genre: Hallows Point.

One of the investors, Bill George strapped on the proverbial drum, relentlessly beating it on various websites proclaiming the film to be the next horror classic. Well, to this day, Hallows Point has never been released by any video company; so it must not be all that and a bag of chips.

So, not only did the films investors not make as much as a measly, thin dime on their investment, they more than likely couldn't use the film's failure as a tax write off either. Poor bastards. I bet they cried red ink while swearing  up and down to never invest in another film ever again, thanks to the financial belly flop of Hallows Point. Way to go, Jeffrey.

However, this begs one question: Why didn't  Ward try to sell it MTI Home Video? They're located in Florida(Wards home state) and are known as a video company that'll buy anything. I know first hand because I used to receive free screeners to review for Digital Journal. Boy, did I see quite a few stinkers. The mind boggles.

Anyhoo, I have magnanimously decided that Jeffrey Lynn Ward should not fade into obscurity, but to be immortalized as a film maker whose two films : Black Reign and Hallows Point remain unreleased to the public at large. Never to be seen, never to make money back for the investors. However, if you're ever in Florida, drop by Jeffrey's house and ask if he'll show you both of his films. I'll bet he'll be so tickled to death that he may even fix you some snacks to show his appreciation. So without further ado, I present a limerick in honor of Hallows Point's 10th year as an unseen, never to be released movie:

                           

                            There once was a film called Hallows Point
                            Jeffrey Lynn Ward and Bill George thought
                                           Would rock the joint
                               They asked distributors to try it
                                  But no one would buy it
                                                 I ask
                              Then what the hal was the point?